Friday, January 21, 2005

Global Warming led to Disosaur Extinction.

"Guilting human mammals about global warming gets us a total shitload of funding," explains environmental engineer Galvin Chipman, "so we're super pissed about this new discovery."

Recent studies by the University of Washinton indicate that greenhouse gases (not the now-vindicated meteor impact) led to the extinction of the dinosaurs...along with thousands of less-interesting species of life. While many scientists argue that volcanic eruptions were the clear cause of the deadly pre-Triassic global warming, many say it's just not that simple... 

Lance Trapper, an archeologist for Hostess, was one of the first to protest. "You don't know how many times I've been on a dig, and right there on the same strata as a Pterodactyl or T-Rex is this fossilized can of Aquanet, or some broken packing peanuts. It happens all the time, it's just that nobody thought it was worth mentioning until now."

Shaun Stolzer of Exxon Research and Devolpment agrees, "Everybody knows that dinosaurs totally fucked up the pre-Triassic period. I'm so pissed at dinosaurs, if one walked in here right now I'd be like, 'Bwwhhaaaah-Hah!', and totally drop-kick his ass." covers the story in detail.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Scientists agree $3 billion Titan pictures are totally sweet.

On Friday, NASA recieved more awe-inspiring pictures of frozen rock to add to their tax-funded photo album. No, these aren't more boring Martian landscapes, and they're not the same old passé lunar snapshots. These are better. They're from farther away.

The European Space Agency's (ESA) Huygens spacecraft detached from NASA's Cassini probe Friday to begin the 2-1/2 hour descent to the surface of Titan, Saturn's second-largest moon. Scientists hope Titan will reveal secrets about the development of life on early Earth, since Earth and Titan are so similar... except Titan is a moon, and it's half the Earth's size, and it's several hundred million miles further from the sun, and oh yeah... its over three-hundred degrees colder on a warm day. Oh well, like Martin Luther always said, "When you've got a nitrogen-based atmosphere and three billion dollars, you can hardly go wrong."

Martin Tomasko, UA research professor and DISR principal investigator commented that Titan contains methane, hydrocarbons and amino acids, which are all substances required for primitive life. In a completely unrelated story, an equipment fabricator at ESA has been unsuccessful in locating his misplaced amino acids.

Read more at Arizona Daily Wildcat.