Friday, January 14, 2005

Samsung Mocks Consumers with Awful Product

(Photo: Samsung reps demonstrate dialing the new SCH-S310.)

As Thomas Edison so cleverly put it, "The purpose, nay, the responsibility of technology is to confine a brilliant idea within a shitty cell phone that is nightmarishly difficult to use."

Samsung revolted loyal supporters this week by announcing a new paradigm for telephone dialing. Say goodbye to bothersome buttons you actually have to press . Wave adios to user-friendly voice dialing! Samsung now enriches your dialing experience by forcing you to wave your cell about you wildly in a vain attempt to air-draw the numbers you are trying to dial. Zorro would be so proud. 

Shaku Jow, the spokeperson for Samsung, was unable to comment on this breakthrough as he is being detained by Japanese police after reportedly breaking an elderly bystander's nose while attempting to call information. Samsung's lawyers argue, "That guy was so old, in a few hours his nose probably would have broken by itself."

I swear this is a real product. Look

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Star Wars: Earth Attacks!

After years of benign discovery, NASA finally lashes back at the cosmos in an unprecidented act of astro-terrorism. "Deep Impact", a spacecraft carrying an 820 pound projectile, launched yesterday in the hopes of sucker-punching nearby comet Tempel I.

When asked about the scientific merit of the launch, chairperson Dr. Allen Trowler paused thoughfully before replying, "I just really hate comets, I guess." Dr. Trowler went on to elaborate, "They're like the annoying neighborhood kid that you'd just knuckle-punch in the fucking head if his Dad didn't work where you bought your breakfast."

Scientists at NASA hope that studying the debris created from the collision will help them better understand the composition of a comet's nucleus. Sr. Engineer Joseph Gann explained, "By better understanding the nature of these beautiful celestial strangers, we can eventually begin to understand their weaknesses. Once we learn that, they'll be our slaves." 

More at Sun-Sentinel

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Dude, where's my Space-Time Curvature?

Space is now officially flat. Just like the earth used to be.

Two ten-year studies of the sky have convinced many scientists that a spherical or curved model of space, though theoretically possible, is not the case in our universe.

Lead researcher Daniel Eisenstein explains, "We regard [recent astrological surveys] as smoking-gun evidence that gravity has played the major role in growing from the initial seeds that we see in the Microwave Background maps into the galaxies and clusters of galaxies that we see around us."

Some researchers, however, are not convinced. Timothy Sorn, a researcher for the University of Michigan replied, simply, "Whatever, Daniel Eisenstein can suck my balls."

Read more about it at SignOn San Diego

Van Der Waalsome!

I just saved a bunch of money on my adhesives research and development by switching to gecko spatulae.

Scientists have artificially manufactured the nanoscopic hairs on gecko feet responsible for the gecho's ability to "stick" to virtually any surface. The tiny hairs use intermolecular forces called Van Der Waals forces to produce their adhesive effect.

A square centimeter of the artificial spatulae will reportedly hold approximately one kilogram, making it possible for a glove-sized sample to hold a human being to the ceiling. As a scientist at Carnege Melon University explained, "These artificial keratin hairs could help make some totally kick-ass Kung-Fu fight scenes. Boo-yeah!"

Read more at New

Have you ever woken up screaming?

If so, you were probably dreaming of DeVry University in Columbus, Ohio. If not, just quit fucking worrying about it, okay? I graduated from DeVry in 1999 using their "Compress a 4-5 year degree into 3 simple years of face-melting horror" program. To its benefit, DeVry had a hand-picked boquet of blossoming professors of all nationalities, each speaking their own unique bastardization of the English language. It gave one a multi-cultural feel, without the distinct annoyance of another culture. From Barry Brey the Blathering Bigot to the Incomprehensible Flailings and Mutterings of Maji Nagi Matta, DeVry was a fevered phantasmagoria of applied technology and practical applications.

Experience the euphoria here

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

My Archnemesis

Not really. This is Christian Coviello, a high school friend of mine who is either obtaining his PhD., or has already. He's a really bright chap, probably a credit to the human race. I've thought about killing him several times, in fact, all of my energy is bent upon it. 

Here's all his personal info if you'd like to stalk him. 

Behold, EngineerDan at his finest!

Is there any greater sight to behold? The answer, of course, is almost certainly yes. Examples of some such greater sights might include:
1) Anna Faris with a vacuum cleaner, a case of Heineken, and a Vietnamese accent.
2) Tim McGraw thrashing about choking on a hairbrush or a small roll of velcro.
3) Hugh Grant getting punched in the face by a grizzly bear, or perhaps a crazy robot monkey.
4) George Clooney with only one eyebrow, looking around to see where the other eyebrow went.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Planck Time

Let there be light.

This is the prime post to Discouragement. Allow me to be the first to say...

Welcome to A hopeless wasteland for your finite existence.