Monday, February 07, 2005

EngineerDan patents kick-ass invention!

(Edison ponders equation to express kick-assitude of EngineerDan's invention)

"I can honestly say that few designs I've seen so appeal to the most basic human needs," said Jacob McKinsley of the U.S. Patent Office, "this is going to be big. Bigger than big...perhaps very big."

After a life devoted to the development of industrial machinery, EngineerDan sets his sights on low-cost, high-performance consumer electronics. "Until recently, most developments have been aimed at boring information sharing, or communications," explained Margaret Shipley of Bluetooth, "I'm just so excited about EngineerDan Enterprises I could totally shit my pants!"

Robert Salisburn at Allen Bradley Automation commented, "Everyone expected cybernetics or nanotech to be the wave of the future, but I think the unique helperbot concepts of EngineerDan Enterprises could well be a balls-out revolution. The idea is simple, and the thigh-harness is surprisingly comfortable."

Compliments are due not only for the comfortable thigh-harness, but also the accelerometer-controlled motion and balance. Most beta-testers have reported that new polymers at the insert port have provided remarkable ease of use, even for quick applications.

"It must have been the expense involved with human females that gave me the idea," chuckled EngineerDan with immeasurable finesse, "most consumers will find the low-cost attractive, as well as the complete lack of teeth. I learned very quickly to stop putting in the teeth."

"EngineerDan's FellatioBot, I believe, will play a huge role in the women's liberation movement," exclaimed some feminist chick with big knockers, "I predict that in five or ten years, men will be satisfied entirely by 'Fellation-Frannie', 'Betsy-Backdoor', and 'The Burly Sailor'. Women who have been looked upon as sex-objects their entire lives will be able to claim their rightful role as equals."

When asked about further inventions, EngineerDan shrugged, "I guess I've just got to work on making the FellatioBots look less like spiders. I thought more guys would enjoy getting a blowjob from a huge robotic turantula-looking-thing. Its always been my dream." EngineerDan looked into the distance, tears glistening in his eyes, "Live and learn I guess... I live to serve humanity."

20 Comments:

Blogger babblingdweeb said...

Interesting...you and I are on the same wavelength in terms of comments towards woman today.

Now I know some woman think that with their own high powered sex toys and sperm banks what the hell do they need men for? I say with the invention of Easy-Mac and the frozen burrito coupled with this invention…who needs women?

Sigh...

February 7, 2005 at 11:55 AM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

The main point that you're missing is that this technology is a breakthrough in Turantufellation... If you leave that out of the equation, you really will remain disappointed.

February 7, 2005 at 12:05 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

Oh, ew.

And that is an "ew" surrounded by judgement, disdain, grossed-out-ed-ness, with a delicious cream filling of criticism.

Bleh, to just the mental picture.

[Waits patiently for EngineerDan to somehow find something to pounce on with this comment, to then retaliate. No pressure, EngineerDan.]

February 7, 2005 at 12:41 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Therese, being an avid feminist, I actively laud any chicks (or bitches, as some may say) that have the presence of mind to express an opinion without drooling all over themself first. I would have to wonder if there is something Freudian about your responding to this particular article using the imagery of "delicious cream filling." I, for one, am discusted. Please do your part in keeping Discouragement the clean, family-oriented blog that it has always been.

You need fear no retaliation from me, Therese. I am the embodiment of patience, love, and wisdom.

February 7, 2005 at 1:12 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

So you're a feminist now? Interesting turn of events, I must say. I'll have more to say on that at a later time, I'm sure.

There most certainly is something Freudian about my use of delicious cream filled imagery. And here I thought I was being subtle.

So, you're discusted as well as being a feminist. Well, I must admit, I had to look "discusted" up. Still not sure, but I can only surmise from the tone of your comment that by "discusted" you mean "this gus's tied," or, in other words, I win. Pretty soon to win, but there you have it folks. I guess Discouragement is no longer a place for me to sink my teeth into a nice, gritty, debate. At least, not at the moment.

All right, EDan. I will no longer fear retaliation from you. You have become the embodiement of... Well, anyway.

I want a t-shirt.

February 7, 2005 at 1:40 PM  
Blogger babblingdweeb said...

Sexism vs. feminist...close enough: Your t-shirt.

February 7, 2005 at 1:51 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

I decided to spell "disgusted" as "discusted". I like to keep things fresh.

Speaking of keeping things fresh, Therese has navigated yet another potential burnfest into the oh-so-charted waters of spelling and syntax errors. Doing so must top the "I'm rubber you're glue" style arguments...mustn't it? Oh yes it certainly must...or must it?

Babblingdweeb, I don't know why, but I feel an intense sense of pride in having a loyal visitor post a link from my blog to my sister blog in a comment. It gives me this delicious sense of pervasiveness. I'm not even being sarcastic.

I award Babblingdweeb six imaginary popcorn shrimp.

I think it would be a little silly for me NOT to be a feminist given how much I enjoy being brought sandwiches.

February 7, 2005 at 2:02 PM  
Blogger Collin said...

That is odd. You would think that a oversized mechanical spider that wanted to gnosh on your weinie would appeal to a wider spectrum of consumers. I mean, GOOD GOD! If it's not a spider they want, then WHAT do they want?! A disembodied woman's head with spider legs? Pixies? I just don't know.

February 7, 2005 at 6:28 PM  
Blogger Terence said...

isuck I think these people beat you to the punch EDan. The movie is worth a watch. Also Is your machine dishwasher safe?

February 7, 2005 at 9:45 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Terence, the site you linked was indeed hilarious, but I could not find any references to Tarantufellation. As far as a cleaning-mechanism for the machine...I knew I'd forgotten something.

February 8, 2005 at 12:02 PM  
Blogger Terence said...

Yeah the whole eight legged part does kinda set you apart, but it might limit the usage of your version to say Halloween.

February 8, 2005 at 1:18 PM  
Blogger babblingdweeb said...

Dude...this is all you for your next post

Discovery DNA Explorer Kit

February 8, 2005 at 2:36 PM  
Blogger babblingdweeb said...

I never said thank you for the six imaginary popcorn shrimp!! Thank you! ;)

Now where do I sign up to beta test your new product?

February 8, 2005 at 4:35 PM  
Blogger fbuss said...

ED,

I do enjoy your political correctness. I've been waiting to see "exclaimed some feminist chick with big knockers" in a post that had such meaning.

Sad to hear itis not dishwasher safe. :(
I'll wait for the next-gen.

February 8, 2005 at 6:12 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

How will your marketing division publicise? What kind of slogans do you forsee, EDan?

February 10, 2005 at 11:16 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

Its an interesting idea, and I have to agree that there would be many men interested in your 8 legged product. In fact, most of the men I know would prefer it to a real woman. And, hey, it would save ME a lot of time in terms of relationships and the expectations men have for us women to "pleasure" them.

My only question is, what took you so long? We've had vibrators for a long time, you were bound to catch up at some point.

February 13, 2005 at 7:26 PM  
Blogger babblingdweeb said...

E.D. Where you been buddy? Everything kosher?

February 15, 2005 at 11:07 AM  
Blogger Major_Grooves said...

Dammit I press that "Next Blog" button dozens of times and all I find are blogs in Spanish, religious blogs and spam advert blogs. Where's all the interesting stuff? So like a sad lonely man returning to his favourite hooker, I return here to read about fellatio giving spider robots. Class.

One day I hope to find someone who makes a blog about something interesting like... what they have for breakfast. Wait a minute...

February 16, 2005 at 4:46 PM  
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October 17, 2005 at 8:46 AM  
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October 25, 2005 at 3:41 PM  

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