Wednesday, January 26, 2005

State Park System Entices Loser Nerds.



It's official. Natural glory and splendor simply cannot compete with corporate advertising, low-grade pornography, and poorly-designed personal blogs, such as Discouragement.Blogspot.com.

SBC communications has recently partnered with none other than the state parks system to provide vacationers a welcome vacation from their vacation. "Simply put," chuckles SBC chairperson Marty Flinigan, "we provide a sub-par wireless internet connection at an exhorbanent price to losers like you who just can't stay off the fucking internet for a couple of minutes...and we're going to make an ass-load of money doing it!"

I tried to disagree with Mr. Flinigan on behalf of my readers, but I was too busy online gaming on his laptop. In fact, I'm not sure how the rest of the interview went...when I looked up it was dark and the building was empty.

Out of 278 parks, San Elijo is the first to offer SBC's technology. "It really pacifies our guests," park administrator Alvin Davis smiled. "Makes it a lot easier on us, too." When ased how, Alvin continued, "When people spend their whole vacation glued to their laptop, they don't bother us with questions about which trails to hike or where to camp. Hell, nobody even noticed when we clear-cut that stupid redwood grove...now we have enough sawdust for, well, anything."

When asked about the impact this technology might have on the park system itself, Environmental Engineer Tiffany Talbot replied, "Dude, shut up, my Online Sim Family is having this totally kick-ass party." 

SignOn Sandiego has further details.


55 Comments:

Blogger babblingdweeb said...

I think I just pee'd my pants! AWESOME!!

January 26, 2005 at 11:01 AM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Alvin Davis at San Elijo will be marketing his genuine redwood sawdust to geek-oriented guests for exactly this reason. Those of nerdish leanings obviously have an abnormally high amount of frontal lobe activity. The downside is that this makes their medula oblongata relatively inactive in comparison, leading to poor bladder control in conditions of excitement.

The urine-absorbant sawdust will be available at a price of $4.75 per ounce. Gently pre-owned - $3.75 per ounce.

January 26, 2005 at 11:18 AM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

lol lol lol

January 26, 2005 at 12:21 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

You know, EngineerDan, one might say you are getting rather focused on environmental engineers. Hm. How interesting...

I wonder. Is the controls engineer beginning to realize that in the controls vs. environment debate, environment usually takes the cake?

January 26, 2005 at 1:53 PM  
Blogger babblingdweeb said...

What is more scary?
a) The urine-absorbent sawdust will be available at a price of $4.75 per ounce.
b) Gently pre-owned - $3.75 per ounce.

That one would consider preplanning in regards to soiling themselves...or that someone budget conscious might want to save $1 per ounce while planning?

Is there a discount if you buy in bulk?

January 26, 2005 at 2:45 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Babblingdweeb, I'll check into bulk pricing...I'm glad to see the control problem is as severe in others as myself. I've recently given up and replaced my office chair with a bean bag full of kitty litter and Brawny paper towels. Allow me to demonstrate the absorbancy of Brawny in comparison to the leading brand...

Therese, I had to smile at your perception of reality. If the concept of cake-taking illuminates, then let your little light shine, chère. In every language, spoken or otherwise, there is syntax, and there is meaning. Syntax is a tool to clarify meaning. If meaning accurately conveys while using improper syntax, the errors in syntax become infinitely irrelevant. In such a case, focus placed upon syntax errors becomes a logical fallacy called a "Red Herring" (Introduction of irrelevant material to the issue being discussed, which diverts attention away from points made, towards a different conclusion).

Given that most of your arguments are thusly based, may the flavor of your taken cake be anything but fishy.

(Engineer Burnfest: An activity wherein two or more great minds expose/create flaws in one another for purposes of humor, rather than ridicule. This activity, by definition, is always civil and well-meant.)

Keep posting, Therese, your sarcasm is always welcomed here.

January 27, 2005 at 8:45 AM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

Oh my God! Awesome blog! You're like a mix of Dave Berry and American Pie with some PBS.

Great shirts in the store, are you really selling them? I want a "Fuck Off" shirt for every work day.

January 27, 2005 at 9:05 AM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

SlateGoddard, thanks, man. I try to entertain as well as miseducate my loyal readers.

I've gotta say, though, what the fuck is the deal with your blog? You've got this awesome name for it (Unindustrious) and you don't have any posts!? With cool blog names comes the social responsibility of (as babblingdweeb might say) posting interesting content! Get on the ball, bitch!

Respectfully,
EngineerDan

January 27, 2005 at 9:28 AM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

I know I know. Unindustrious isn't just the blog name. Its a good word for my personality. You can have the blog, you'd put better posts than me on it. I just made the blog so I could post and have my name show up instead of Anonymous.

January 27, 2005 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

(I'm starting to learn about Slate Goddard's personality...)

Give me your car keys, bitch! I'm a better driver than you!

(Awaiting reply...)

January 27, 2005 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

LoL

January 27, 2005 at 9:43 AM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

I only meant that most controls engineers I know like debating with most environmental engineers I know (it is a widely known fact that engineers in general love to argue and debate with each other like religious fanatics), and usually there is cake (of the chocolate variety) on the buffet table, and usually the environmental engineers eat it. I don't know if there is an anti-cake feeling among controls engineers in general, but there it is. Perhaps it is simply that the environmental chemical project research engineers tend to be quicker to grab the cake.

Quit trying to blind me with syntax. It won't work. I am the queen of the Trojan horse. Besides, if you're not careful, I just may throw in context for confusion. Or rather, get rid of context. And that'll really throw you for a loop.

(Engineer Burnfest Winner: The individual possessed of the sharper wit, or more stubborn sense of competition, that gets the last clever word, or burn, in an Engineer Burnfest, defined above. Or, the person who laughs longest and laughs last at the conclusion of the Burnfest. This person, by definition, is always willing to come back for another round, and is usually chalked full of a good sense of humour.)

January 27, 2005 at 11:11 AM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Therese, I don't know if I would call our discussions a "debate" anymore than a mathematics professor could be said to "debate" with a second-grader about arithmetic. Nonetheless, I enjoy aforementioned discussions.

Sometimes, when I'm playing with my cat, I'll say things like, "Aw, you GOT your toy! You beat Daddy! You win! Good girl!" And she'll look up at me and say, "Meow, meow, I just may throw in context for confusion. Or rather, get rid of context. And that'll really throw you for a loop." And I'll pat her furry head and tell her, "That was such a SMART thing for a little kitty to say, yes it was!"...even though I know she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. She really is a good cat.

As far as cake is concerned, I agree with your assessment that "environmental chemical project research engineers tend to be quicker to grab the cake." You'll notice the same phenomenon when children at a birthday party rush to the head of the line, as the adults delight in the children's enthusiasm and eagerness. Sometimes it is more refreshing to watch a simpler mind indulge itself.

Because of this, I urge you to indulge in our "debate" to your heart's content.

January 27, 2005 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

It is becoming increasingly clear that you are gradually becoming fixated with me.

And going so far as to comparing me to your cat... I mean, Dan, look, you sort of seem like a kind of decent sort of guy, but at the same time, you are a self-important controls engineer (American, at that) and I am a sweet Canadian environmental engineer. It would never work. So please stop trying to impress me with your quick wit and easy banter.

You could try chocolate cake. Not that it would work, but then, I'd have chocolate cake.

As for childish enthusiasm, let's just say it comes in handy in certain areas of life, cher. [wink]

January 27, 2005 at 1:33 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

(Choke)

I will have you know that the only thing I am fixated on is the unrealistically elevated perception of my own self-importance! You should also know that my wit is sluggish and tedious, and my banter is unimaginably difficult!

Now that I've been accused of being an internet stalker, I will quietly recede back into myself until a personal event horizon begins to form.

I honestly don't know if the comment to which I respond was written entirely in jest, or in questioning half-truth...but experience tells me to assume I have crossed an invisible boundary and to retreat...not in defeat, but in sincere fear of misinterpretation.

To all my loyal readers, I assert my only fixations are autogenous in source and destination.

January 27, 2005 at 2:39 PM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

Booooo Teresa Hssssss!!!

The point of a good burn is to down the other guy, not to shut him down by his concern for your feelings. If youre trying to burn him: Illegal move! If you think he's a weirdo....well, you're probably right....but his comebacks have been fare game.

January 27, 2005 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Slate, thanks for your support, but leave it alone.

My noble purpose is to educate human beings, perhaps even elevate them to my status...but never to cause them discomfort.

As Jesus Christ of Nazareth once said, "Being kind is totally sweet, but meanness blows."

January 27, 2005 at 2:59 PM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

You do seem a little fixated on Anna Faris, though...

January 27, 2005 at 3:03 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Slate, Anna Faris and I are one in spirit, and in mind. That means everything I said previously remains true.

For future reference, Slate, I want you to take all the fixation remarks and write them on a small scrap of paper. Take this piece of paper, and fold it into thirty and sixty degree angles until it looks like a small pyramid. Then lock the pyramid in a miniature six inch cubic safe, remembering to write down the password on another sheet of paper. Finally, wrap the password paper around the miniature safe, catch it on fire with a cigarette lighter, and POUND IT UP YOUR ASS WITH A PUSHBROOM HANDLE. This should cure you of any inclination you have to mock a man of obviously superior intellect.

January 27, 2005 at 3:13 PM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

LOL!!!

I humbly withdraw my last comment, O great one.

January 27, 2005 at 3:15 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, Dan. It was honestly meant entirely in jest, from whence my own narcissistic nature is emerging. No worries, you didn’t cross any lines. I’m beginning to feel as though I have, though. Yikes.

To all EngineerDan’s readers… I myself assert my only fixations on chocolate cake and, on myself. [shrug.]

Slate, sweetie, if you’re going to bother to actually hiss me (this is a first) and come up with a disparaging remark meant to put me in my place, please also take the time to at least spell my name right. Otherwise, I just may choose to believe that you’re talking to someone else. And, try the spellcheck. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but if you’re not careful about grammar and spelling around here, the smack gets laid down pretty hard. Oh! [hand rushes to mouth, bites lip]-- sorry, didn’t mean to say anything that could be misconstrued as politically incorrect! I quickly retract the slang, and replace it with “someone comes up with a way to insult your intelligence.” [rolls eyes]

We don't know each other all that well, Dan, and I suppose you can’t quite tell that I was just kidding. Ok, I’ll try to keep to scathing sarcasm with no sexual undertones whatsoever from now on.

Sorry Dan. Didn’t mean to make you feel like a crazy weirdo stalker.

January 27, 2005 at 4:48 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

Even if you are a crazy weirdo stalker.

January 27, 2005 at 4:51 PM  
Blogger babblingdweeb said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

January 27, 2005 at 6:10 PM  
Blogger babblingdweeb said...

Let's try this again...

So I am going to blog in Dan's blog today...because that might be a little entertaining. :)

I take the day off and what the hell do I miss? It's like "When Harry met Sally" except I haven't witnessed the big O scene yet. I am so about to make some popcorn and curl up to read a few more blog entries and comments.

Remember: Jab-left Jab-left RIGHT HOOK! Jab-left Jab-left RIGHT HOOK! Jab-left Jab-left Fake-right LEFT-UPPERCUT!! Bring it on...I will not throw in the towel to end the fight.

Soooo since everyone else is avoiding the topic; is there any other reason why one might have a life-metaphor that uses a cat in place of a woman? Maybe I am just feeling overly astute today, but I thought we all knew the reason for that one. I mean come on, cats are smart and so are women...what other correlation might there be?

ding-ding!

January 27, 2005 at 6:12 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Therese, please do not be concerned about my feelings, as I have evolved past the need for feelings. I was just concerned with the erroneous concept of making you feel uncomforatable. Most non-engineer women like to overestimate a man's opinion of them, then blame the man for their misconception. At the risk of making a sweeping generalization, this is always the woman's fault...as is every problem known to mankind since the beginning of time.

Now that I realize your humor knows no bounds (other than a touchiness toward the French language), I may continue. Once I think of something witty to say. Which will undoubtably take less time than it would for you to do the same. If you were capable of thinking of anything witty... which you're not.

January 27, 2005 at 6:42 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Babblingdweeb, if I am not mistaken, the association you suggest starts with a "P" and rhymes with "pussy". However, there are many more associations:

Kittens are cute. They inspire undeserved and unreciprocated love. They don't clean up after themselves. They want you to buy their food, and then scratch you for entertainment. They enjoy drinking water.

Women also enjoy drinking water. I don't know if any of the other things match up.

I'm just kidding, of course they do. God Bless Male-Dominated society! Hey Therese, get in the kitchen and fix me a sandwich!

January 27, 2005 at 6:48 PM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

Gasp!
Silence.
BwahahahhhHAHHHHHA!

You're gonna catch hell for that one, EDan!

Therese, I'm sorry I misspelled your name. Next incarnation, get a name that's easier to recognize, like Slate.

January 28, 2005 at 8:22 AM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

Babbling Dweeb, who’s avoiding the topic of life-metaphors using cats instead of women? I don’t think you’ve been paying attention. EngineerDan has been actively using life-metaphors using cats instead of women. You know how I can tell? Under “EngineerDan said…” there is lack of avoidance of life metaphors using cats instead of women. As for other people not avoiding life metaphors using cats instead of women, well, that’s what started this whole touchy-touchy part of the “discussion, not debate,” isn’t it?

EngineerDan, I briefly appreciated the concern with erroneous concept of making me feel uncomfortable. I’ll hazard a guess here, and say that with your attitude towards women, it might be that it has been a very long while since you got laid, but that’s really no reason to blame women in general for every problem known to mankind since the beginning of time. I’m just saying.

Also, Dan, darling, to accuse someone to be lacking in wit, well… that’s just not very witty, is it? Try coming up with a scathing remark instead. It will earn more respect, and be funnier.

Slate, I could go by “Theresa” and make everyone who has to speak to me’s life easier, but why would I want to do that? I mean, come on. I don’t even do that in real life (my name is pronounced “Tuh-rez” in English). Here, the effort it takes to spell my name right is to look at it and copy it. It’s not like I asked you to spell my last name, which is Russian and considerably more difficult to remember how to spell. And I’m not even asking for accents. Sheesh.

Oh, and Dan, as for that sandwich… you can take that suggestion, soak it in salt before cutting it up into a thousand pieces using your teeth, glue it back together with a combination of white annoying-to-deal-with kid’s glue and the glue you lick on envelopes that cockroaches have climbed all over and likely pooped on, put messy sticky candy sprinkles all over it thereby getting some all over yourself, fold the sticky mass into an intricate origami swan, then fuck that swan sideways.

January 28, 2005 at 10:01 AM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

You opened up that can of smack on yourself EDan.

Therese, excellent parody of EDan's vivid instructions to yours truly. He who lives by the smack will die by the smack.

EDan it sounds like Therese is hoping against all hope that your romantic activity has been slow enough to consider her. I mean first, she's hoping you'd admit to fixation...then giving you winks, and finally making masked inquiries into your sex life. I bet a plane ticket to Maritimes will show up in your mailbox Monday.

(Instigate, then retreat into obscurity.)

January 28, 2005 at 11:23 AM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Therese, thank you for your concern for my potential lack of gratification. While the concern is unwarranted, it reveals a substantial amount of altruism in your character. Apparently American women have markedly low standards, which works to my benefit. My current girlfriend is infinitely superior to me in every aspect but the capability for rational thought...which, I'm sure, was critical in her decision to nurture an affection for me.

As for the previous witless comment, I will place the blame entirely on the deliciously bold Pinot Noir that preceded it.

January 28, 2005 at 11:56 AM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

So… that’s the best you can come up with, as the sidekick?

[Pauses, thinks about it for a sec, then…]

No wait, actually, that was pretty good for a burn. EngineerDan must be relieved to know you're there to defend his… his virtue, I suppose. But there will be no retreat into obscurity. Get back here and face me… so I can bitch-slap you!

January 28, 2005 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

Well Therese THANKS A LOT for exposing my strategy. I've been trying to deflect your burnage back on EDAN because I'm not QUICK enough to handle myself in a burnfest. Maybe a gentleheatpadfest.

I'm not an engineer! This is like Evander Holyfield challenging Andy Rooney to a match.

January 28, 2005 at 12:46 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Therese,

Dudette, I completely never noticed that you were into guitar and piano. Is your favorite music in-line with what you like playing?

Slate, You may find solace in my power during times of weakness. You may find hope in my foresight in dimes of darkness. You may find wisdom in my intellect in times of...um...dumbness. In exchange:

GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS, BITCH!

January 28, 2005 at 2:16 PM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

You spelled "times" "dimes", dumbass.

January 28, 2005 at 2:18 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Oh, I get it. You're going to talk to me about spelling errors?

Read the comment on syntax, Bitch.

January 28, 2005 at 2:21 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

Guitar - Cranberries, K's Choice, Patty Griffin, Carla Bruni style. As interpreted by me, obviously. I play a classical guitar so it is usually mellow tunes. Easy listening, anyway. Oh, except for when I play Avril Lavigne. Hah.
Piano - Classical anything... but mostly I just make up my own music.

EngineerDan, I'm assuming you play yourself or you wouldn't have asked. So, same question to you.

January 28, 2005 at 2:50 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

All that to say.. no.

January 28, 2005 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Yeah, I used to have a recording studio set up in my house. Then I moved. Now I have a freezing cold music basement with ungrounded plugs so my instruments shock my frozen fucking fingers with electrical feedback.

The acoustic stuff I right is kind of Goo Goo Dolls/Coldplay. The rock is anywhere from Lifehouse to Korn. The piano stuff is usally a bit Evanescence, and the orchestral is a bit James Horner. I've even done a little bit of underground.

January 28, 2005 at 3:10 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

I must say, I am just a smidge more impressed with you than I was before knowing that.

January 31, 2005 at 10:50 AM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Warning, arbitrary unit of measure! Divide by zero, cannot compute.

January 31, 2005 at 12:14 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

1 smidge = 1/8 u

And Engineer Dan, don't worry. I'll explain what that means if you can't figure it out. But first you'll have to ask me to.

January 31, 2005 at 12:24 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Oh gee, golly gee willacres! Does it mean one-eighth of the total energy associated with an object's molecular motions and their relative positions?

Now what I'd really like to ask you is this:

What are some mathematical equations that describes the intervals of notes in tuning systems other than the crappy "equal temperament" junk. A system that actually doesn't leave your octaves or thirds out of tune. There has to be a tuning system that is inherently superior to all others...one of which all the others are experimental approximations.

January 31, 2005 at 12:52 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Geophysical engineers reign supreme.

February 9, 2005 at 12:22 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Fourier something or others?

February 9, 2005 at 12:45 AM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Fourier something or others! Yes, that's the equation I've been searching for! I'll go type that into my program right now!

February 9, 2005 at 8:09 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Heh heh

February 9, 2005 at 12:04 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

The scaling property of the fourier transform:

If {f(x)} = F(s) and a is a real, nonzero constant, then
{f(ax)} = f(ax) exp(i 2sx) dx

= |a|-1 f() exp(i 2s/a) d

= |a|-1 F(s/a).

From this, the time scaling property, it is evident that if the width of a function is decreased while its height is kept constant, then its Fourier transform becomes wider and shorter. If its width is increased, its transform becomes narrower and taller.

A similar frequency scaling property is given by

{|a|-1 f(x/a)} = F(as).

February 9, 2005 at 1:28 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

OK the integral symbols didn't post so well.
http://aurora.phys.utk.edu/~forrest/papers/fourier/#scaling

February 9, 2005 at 1:31 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

I looked at this for a while before I saw where you were taking it. My original question about music and equations was probably a little bit misleading in form. I apologize.

If I'm not mistaken, the scaling property could be used to create an equation describing a scaling system where the Hz values or intervals are given. What I'm actually interested in is finding the true intervals and Hz values themselves from raw math. I know, I know, a lot of people are going to start giving me BS about equal temperament and whole integer multipliers...but those tuning systems are very raw and unpleasent to the ears. And I know they have Hz values guesstimated for French Tuning, ect...but I don't believe they were derived from what must be a fairly simple universal mathematical statement...some guy just listened and tweaked, and said "Yeah, this sounds alright."

I'm fairly certain that the error creeps in from the incorrect assumption that an A# is intrinsically equivalent to a Bb, ect. It isn't...that's why its such a bitch to tune a piano. I just wouldn't be surprised if an accurate octave would contain more than 12 tones...more like 17 or 18 (not evenly spaced, of course.)

February 9, 2005 at 2:05 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

OK, well, I just remember sitting through my seismic processing class back in the day and the professor was talking about Fourier something or other as usual. He then started comparing it to music somehow. I can't remember too much detail because it was a few years ago. Just thought I would take a stab at it.

February 9, 2005 at 3:32 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Attempt at dorking out withdrawn.

February 9, 2005 at 4:00 PM  
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