Friday, January 21, 2005

Global Warming led to Disosaur Extinction.



"Guilting human mammals about global warming gets us a total shitload of funding," explains environmental engineer Galvin Chipman, "so we're super pissed about this new discovery."

Recent studies by the University of Washinton indicate that greenhouse gases (not the now-vindicated meteor impact) led to the extinction of the dinosaurs...along with thousands of less-interesting species of life. While many scientists argue that volcanic eruptions were the clear cause of the deadly pre-Triassic global warming, many say it's just not that simple... 

Lance Trapper, an archeologist for Hostess, was one of the first to protest. "You don't know how many times I've been on a dig, and right there on the same strata as a Pterodactyl or T-Rex is this fossilized can of Aquanet, or some broken packing peanuts. It happens all the time, it's just that nobody thought it was worth mentioning until now."

Shaun Stolzer of Exxon Research and Devolpment agrees, "Everybody knows that dinosaurs totally fucked up the pre-Triassic period. I'm so pissed at dinosaurs, if one walked in here right now I'd be like, 'Bwwhhaaaah-Hah!', and totally drop-kick his ass."

Newindpress.com covers the story in detail.

14 Comments:

Blogger Christie Mae said...

Great blog! Very very funny comments between you and Therese or however you spell it. I haven't seen such great debating between engineers since college!

January 21, 2005 at 1:04 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

Ha ha ha ha ha...

Wait -- was that a dig at environmental engineers, EngineerDan?

January 24, 2005 at 12:26 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Therese, cher, I don't make the news, I just report it. Were all my articles not fine examples of reputable, professional journalism I might disillusion my loyal clientele.

Whether Galvin Chipman's mindset is representative of all environmental engineers is a question I cannnot answer. So I asked Dr. Galvin Chipman (I try to be helpful to my readers). His answer was direct and to-the point:

"It makes my life easier to just say 'research engineer' or 'environmental engineer.' If you want to get ridiculously picky, call me a project engineer. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Either way, the answer is 'yes'. I am representative of every single environmental engineer, living or dead."

When I asked how he could make such a sweeping statement, Dr. Chipman replied simply, "I'm a chemical environmental research project engineer. We don't need our assertions to be verifiable."

How can one argue with that?

To answer your question, cher, I would never make a dig at environmental engineers.

With respect,
Énginèèr Dan

January 24, 2005 at 1:58 PM  
Blogger babblingdweeb said...

[snip]"I don't make the news, I just report it"[/snip]

So, what happens when you make the news? As in: here is a story about EngineerDan in the news. Can you still say what you said or will you have to retract the comment? Better that, if you retract the comment before you "make the news" in theory you are making the news at that moment because you retracting the comment is news. Now if you wrote the post or article stating that you retract that comment, you have a double whammy. YES a double whammy. See at that point you will have made [created] the news while you made [appeared in] the news.

Shit, this is a logic bomb isn’t it? That's what this post really was…another engineer creation to foil the masses! Damnit!!

I need a drink...

January 24, 2005 at 2:17 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Babblingdweeb, that would indeed be a conundrum if one presupposes that 1) I speak the truth, and 2) I know what I'm talking about.

Since both presuppositions are inherently true, allow me to introduce this into the Borg collective:

α↔(⌐α)

January 24, 2005 at 2:38 PM  
Blogger babblingdweeb said...

ARGH! More logic bombs...

"Damnit Jim I'm a doctor, not an engineer!"
- Bones

See, I don't even watch StarTrek and I can quote it. You bring out the darkside in me.

January 24, 2005 at 2:42 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

You don't make the news? Well, I suppose that is modesty, saying you're not news worthy. I can accept that about you. Heck, I may even (sort of, almost, maybe) admire it about you. Very well, blame the press. Moving on.

This Dr. Chipman seems to be a clever chap, to be borrowing words from a brilliant girl we all strive to emulate. But then, twisting the words to suit him... You'd almost think he was controlling. As controlling as a controls engineer, perhaps posing as a chemical environmental research project engineer. (Everyone knows controls engineers are green with envy when it comes to chemical environmental research project engineers.)

Grammar lesson #27 - When referring to a woman, mon ami, one uses the feminine version of the word cher, which is chère.

Oh, EngineerDan, of course you wouldn't make a dig at environmental engineers! How could I have even questioned it?! Silly little chemical environmental research project engineer...

January 26, 2005 at 10:39 AM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

Therese, the hue of my green envy deepens.

I apologize for making a grammatical mistake in a language that is neither my native tongue nor in any form a secondary language for me. Still, by addressing you as "cher", I was...
1) Simply trying to break down the terrible gender-barriers in our society that cause so much harm...by demanding that everyone conform to my gender in all but physical manifestations.
2) Simply trying to elevate you to diva status by comparing you to the (ahem) vocalist Cher. I did not capitalize, hoping to avoid legal action.
3) Typing "dear" into an online translator to try to politely respond to you in the same language as you so frequently responded to me...ignoring the subtlety that when someone speaks in a language you don't understand, it is they who are being inconsiderate.

Given that I have never been inconsiderate (about anyone's language or profession), I appreciate the correction.

January 26, 2005 at 11:58 AM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

[Deep sigh]

EngineerDan, I was not in any way accusing you of anything except being a controls engineer and all that implies. It was a lesson purely for your information, because it is annoying to be referred to as a male when you are a female, and a quite feminine one at that. And hey, when you spoke German to me, did I say anything? No. In fact, holen Sie es an.

Wait. Does that mean what I want it to mean, or does that mean something else entirely? Dammit. Stupid language limitations...

January 26, 2005 at 12:19 PM  
Blogger EngineerDan said...

The fact that I also spoke to you in a foreign language was actually part of my joke. I don't blame you if it sailed over your head. That would be like blaming a frisbee-trained pet for not retrieving a rocket.

As far as my admitted inability to be gender-perfect in French, I don't know what to say. What some see as a flaw, others see as defining characteristics which make one human. If you still have trouble letting it go, I could recommend an excellent juvenille therapist.

I'm not familiar with the phrase "Holen Sie es an." It literally translates into "They get it on." I suppose I should be flattered.

To satiate your feminine leanings, here is the URL to a beautiful Shakespearean play.

www-tech.mit.edu/Shakespeare/taming_shrew/full.html

January 27, 2005 at 8:19 AM  
Blogger Slate Goddard said...

Ha ha ha ha!

What a relevant URL!!!

OTFLMAO!!!

January 27, 2005 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Thérèse said...

*throws down gauntlet*

OH, IT IS ON!

Just you wait until I think of something clever!

January 27, 2005 at 9:29 AM  
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