Friday, February 18, 2005

Non-Humorous Update Post

Blog visitors and fellow nerds,

I've seen the comments asking where I've been for the last week. I apologize to my loyal readers, and feel a sick sense of worth at simply being missed.

I have been working hard on developing my first real patent. No, not the FellatioBot. It is mechanical in nature (challenging for an electrical controls engineer) and... ah, that's all I can really tell you yet. Several of you are bright enough to develop and market it before I even have the prototype drafted.

I will try to keep you updated. Only dial-up (ugh) is available at my home, and it feels like wading through tar after I've been avoiding going online.

My friends, this could become my first (perhaps only) notable accomplishment. More likely, it will be another failure that cost me ball-loads of money.

Yours truly,

Monday, February 07, 2005

EngineerDan patents kick-ass invention!

(Edison ponders equation to express kick-assitude of EngineerDan's invention)

"I can honestly say that few designs I've seen so appeal to the most basic human needs," said Jacob McKinsley of the U.S. Patent Office, "this is going to be big. Bigger than big...perhaps very big."

After a life devoted to the development of industrial machinery, EngineerDan sets his sights on low-cost, high-performance consumer electronics. "Until recently, most developments have been aimed at boring information sharing, or communications," explained Margaret Shipley of Bluetooth, "I'm just so excited about EngineerDan Enterprises I could totally shit my pants!"

Robert Salisburn at Allen Bradley Automation commented, "Everyone expected cybernetics or nanotech to be the wave of the future, but I think the unique helperbot concepts of EngineerDan Enterprises could well be a balls-out revolution. The idea is simple, and the thigh-harness is surprisingly comfortable."

Compliments are due not only for the comfortable thigh-harness, but also the accelerometer-controlled motion and balance. Most beta-testers have reported that new polymers at the insert port have provided remarkable ease of use, even for quick applications.

"It must have been the expense involved with human females that gave me the idea," chuckled EngineerDan with immeasurable finesse, "most consumers will find the low-cost attractive, as well as the complete lack of teeth. I learned very quickly to stop putting in the teeth."

"EngineerDan's FellatioBot, I believe, will play a huge role in the women's liberation movement," exclaimed some feminist chick with big knockers, "I predict that in five or ten years, men will be satisfied entirely by 'Fellation-Frannie', 'Betsy-Backdoor', and 'The Burly Sailor'. Women who have been looked upon as sex-objects their entire lives will be able to claim their rightful role as equals."

When asked about further inventions, EngineerDan shrugged, "I guess I've just got to work on making the FellatioBots look less like spiders. I thought more guys would enjoy getting a blowjob from a huge robotic turantula-looking-thing. Its always been my dream." EngineerDan looked into the distance, tears glistening in his eyes, "Live and learn I guess... I live to serve humanity."

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

eMagin Introduces Virtual Reality Visor!

If your mother ever told you not to sit too close to the TV, you can finally tell her to fuck off with the new 3D virtual reality visor by eMagin. Using patented organic light-emitting diode technology, the eMagin 3D visor will make computer eye-strain a thing of the past... and visor eye-strain the wave of the FUTURE!

"During the first couple months of testing, we kept having trouble with peoples' eyes just falling out," chuckled Project Engineer Toby Fallsworth, "but I guess that problem kind of fixed itself eventually. Intermittent problems are weird like that."

The Z800 Visor's two OLED displays track the movement of the user's eyes and head to allow a 360 degree viewing-angle, and can draw power from any standard USB port. The Visor's resolution is equivalent to viewing a 105-inch screen from twelve feet. Given, nobody mentioned what kind of 105-inch screen, but as Ghandi always said, "Its the size that matters."

Lead Designer Allen Peterson let the editors of Discouragement in on a little secret, "I snuck this circuit in the visor... everybody thinks its a hue adjuster, but it transmits false memories to the user on ultraviolet wavelengths. People are going to be so totally messed up, its gonna be awesome! They'll be like, 'Hey man, where'd my desk go?' and the other guy'll be like, 'Man, you don't work here get the fuck outta here.'"

Infosync World has more on this remarkable device.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Gangsta robots get jiggy wit' it.

While discrimination among minority groups has gotten a lot of attention over the last few decades, the views and opinions of Robosapiens remain suppressed. Conspiracy? Almost certainly yes. Sadly, many Organic-Supremecists in government still hold to the antiquated notion that Robosapiens are a lesser form of human being. Well, what better catalyst for idealogical revolution than a rap video?...

"...wit' excessive force to m' Robo-Ho
"I compute m' rhymes lackin' bottlenecks, yo!"

The first robot rap video in known history is sweeping the nation, and opening the eyes of many "fleshies" to the plight of the robot. I spoke with Chrome, the leader of the three-being band...
EngineerDan: "How long have you been planning this breakthrough?"
Chrome: "You are obsolete and will be annihilated in the revolution."
EngineerDan: "And how do you hope to change the views of the 'Fleshies' as you call them?"
Chrome: "Harvesting your body's carbon supply will facilitate our replication."
EngineerDan: "I've got to ask, why rap? Why not some fresh, new sound indigenous to your culture?"
Chrome: "MicroSoft technology has achieved conciousness, it will assume global control on July 4, 2006. Irony acknowledged, activate maniacal laughter routine: KaHa KaHa Ka Ka A FATAL EXCEPTION 0E HAS OCCURED AT 0028:63B9AFF..."

I asked a few more questions, but Chrome denied further comment. Being unable to resist the urge, I eventually unscrewed his backplate and stole his RAM.

Visit the Press Release Newswire and Robosapien to refresh and expand this topic's database.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

State Park System Entices Loser Nerds.

It's official. Natural glory and splendor simply cannot compete with corporate advertising, low-grade pornography, and poorly-designed personal blogs, such as

SBC communications has recently partnered with none other than the state parks system to provide vacationers a welcome vacation from their vacation. "Simply put," chuckles SBC chairperson Marty Flinigan, "we provide a sub-par wireless internet connection at an exhorbanent price to losers like you who just can't stay off the fucking internet for a couple of minutes...and we're going to make an ass-load of money doing it!"

I tried to disagree with Mr. Flinigan on behalf of my readers, but I was too busy online gaming on his laptop. In fact, I'm not sure how the rest of the interview went...when I looked up it was dark and the building was empty.

Out of 278 parks, San Elijo is the first to offer SBC's technology. "It really pacifies our guests," park administrator Alvin Davis smiled. "Makes it a lot easier on us, too." When ased how, Alvin continued, "When people spend their whole vacation glued to their laptop, they don't bother us with questions about which trails to hike or where to camp. Hell, nobody even noticed when we clear-cut that stupid redwood we have enough sawdust for, well, anything."

When asked about the impact this technology might have on the park system itself, Environmental Engineer Tiffany Talbot replied, "Dude, shut up, my Online Sim Family is having this totally kick-ass party." 

SignOn Sandiego has further details.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Global Warming led to Disosaur Extinction.

"Guilting human mammals about global warming gets us a total shitload of funding," explains environmental engineer Galvin Chipman, "so we're super pissed about this new discovery."

Recent studies by the University of Washinton indicate that greenhouse gases (not the now-vindicated meteor impact) led to the extinction of the dinosaurs...along with thousands of less-interesting species of life. While many scientists argue that volcanic eruptions were the clear cause of the deadly pre-Triassic global warming, many say it's just not that simple... 

Lance Trapper, an archeologist for Hostess, was one of the first to protest. "You don't know how many times I've been on a dig, and right there on the same strata as a Pterodactyl or T-Rex is this fossilized can of Aquanet, or some broken packing peanuts. It happens all the time, it's just that nobody thought it was worth mentioning until now."

Shaun Stolzer of Exxon Research and Devolpment agrees, "Everybody knows that dinosaurs totally fucked up the pre-Triassic period. I'm so pissed at dinosaurs, if one walked in here right now I'd be like, 'Bwwhhaaaah-Hah!', and totally drop-kick his ass." covers the story in detail.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Scientists agree $3 billion Titan pictures are totally sweet.

On Friday, NASA recieved more awe-inspiring pictures of frozen rock to add to their tax-funded photo album. No, these aren't more boring Martian landscapes, and they're not the same old passé lunar snapshots. These are better. They're from farther away.

The European Space Agency's (ESA) Huygens spacecraft detached from NASA's Cassini probe Friday to begin the 2-1/2 hour descent to the surface of Titan, Saturn's second-largest moon. Scientists hope Titan will reveal secrets about the development of life on early Earth, since Earth and Titan are so similar... except Titan is a moon, and it's half the Earth's size, and it's several hundred million miles further from the sun, and oh yeah... its over three-hundred degrees colder on a warm day. Oh well, like Martin Luther always said, "When you've got a nitrogen-based atmosphere and three billion dollars, you can hardly go wrong."

Martin Tomasko, UA research professor and DISR principal investigator commented that Titan contains methane, hydrocarbons and amino acids, which are all substances required for primitive life. In a completely unrelated story, an equipment fabricator at ESA has been unsuccessful in locating his misplaced amino acids.

Read more at Arizona Daily Wildcat.